If you smell a funny odor in your house or there's a wet spot you can't explain, don't jump to any logical conclusions.
The answer is obvious.
The ghost of your dog or cat is relieving himself on the carpet.
Dr. Terje Lund, head of the prestigious if silly International Council for Paranormal Activities, says his team of incredibly bored researchers who are paid by the hour have documented thousands of cases of pets who return from the dead with bad attitudes and full bladders.
With only eight shrieking days left until Halloween, I thought you might want to catch up on the latest news from the Other Side.
You really ought to be picking up the Weekly World News at the supermarket check-out lane. To save money, you might want to drop your subscription to whatever daily newspaper you read.
Just subscribe to this paper and the Weekly World News. If it isn't in the Weekly World News or the Itemizer-Observer, it probably involves Britney Spears.
There is so much to share with you this week. Like the Ghost Toilet of Brooklyn. Three plumbers have disappeared while attempting to fix the toilet.
Paranormal experts, a number of them drug-free, speculate the toilet could be some kind of porthole to another dimension. Residents of the apartment complex are understandably concerned.
"It's going to be impossible to find a plumber who's willing to work on it now," building superintendent Mario DeConza told the newspaper.
But back to more important matters like the ghost pets. All these researchers in Oslo, Norway, are looking into ghost pets that wet themselves from beyond the grave.
This research obviously raises a profound and disturbing question.
Why would someone do this for a living?
Are a bunch of Swiss children saying, "Ja! Ven I grow up, I vant to research za ghost kitties vat go vinky-vinky on za carpet!"
Unfortunately, there may not be jobs in this field in the future. Researchers have already learned an awful lot about ghost pets.
They are apparently making statements against previous owners that had strict rules about animals soiling themselves on the carpet and furniture.
The message is clear. If you want to protect yourself from furry phantoms tomorrow, turn your home into a giant litterbox today.
You may not like the idea, but there is no bucking the logic. Terje Lund is a doctor.
By the way, he says there are six signs you have a ghost pet in hour house.
1. Unexplained puddles on the floor.
My 6-year-old son will be glad to hear this. Heretofore, he thought such puddles were the work of a guy named "I. Dunno."
2. Objects that have been moved.
This is always a sure sign of phantoms -- or human beings -- in a house.
3. Unexplained indentations on sofas or chairs.
In the afterlife, dogs and especially cats are determined to sit where they choose (unlike in life when they politely ask if they can park on your face at 2 a.m.).
4. Odd noises.
Some ghost pets can make ordinary barking or meowing sounds. Other otherworldly visitors only moan eerily in the night. See the aforementioned 6-year-old.
5. Strange smells.
Hey, don't look at me! That was the ghost of Fluffy!
6. Missing food.
Yeah, that's what happened to the last piece of chocolate cake a few days ago. The dead cat ate it. Yeah, that's it. Got the phone bill too.
I would add a seventh sign that Dr. Lund forgot to mention.
Say you wake up one night and there is a cocker spaniel floating over your bed saying, "I am the ghost of thy pet, Mr. Paddy Paws, doomed for a certain term to roam the night and, for the day, confined to waste in fires until the foul crimes done in my days are burnt and purged away!"
You can definitely assume something strange is going on.
At this point, you have three basic options. You can do some soiling of your own. You can lay off the meatball subs after 9 p.m. Or you can call the Weekly World News at 1-561-986-1227.
You'll probably end up on the front page.
I STAND CORRECTED DEPT.
Last week I wrote about the guys who dreamed up National Talk Like A Pirate Day. Turns out they're not from Portland. They're from the Albany-Corvallis area. One of them, Mark Bauer, used to write for the Albany Democrat-Herald. Leave it to a newspaper guy to come up something as cockamamie as National Talk Like A Pirate Day. Aaaarrrr.